Apprenticeship is about to sail

jmacmidwife

I got an email from a potential preceptor yesterday, so I called her this morning, but I forgot to ask, if she was available to talk at that moment, which she wasn’t.  DOH!  I remember reading that in the handbook.  It is one of the first things I am supposed to do!  Preceptor 1, apprentice 0. I can’t believe I didn’t ask her that, but I was so excited and nervous, I just didn’t think. *sigh* I can take the embarrassment; I just don’t want to embarrass the program.  However, she called me back and she wants to meet me as soon as possible, which is jaw-dropping awesome, but it will take me all day and night to be mentally prepared for what to say during out meeting/interview!  AHHHH!!!  And I thought I was going to study tonight!  There is NO way I will sleep tonight!  I am waaaaaaaay too excited!

My potential preceptor-to-be called me this morning as I was pulling out of the driveway. *sigh* apparently a birth was going down in Iowa and my appointment was to be rescheduled at a later date.  It wasn’t rescheduled then, much to my sadness, but I understand that she doesn’t know when her next free moment will be; however, it doesn’t make it any less easy to deal with.  I hope I didn’t sound too disappointed on the phone, after all I hadn’t had any caffeine or any food for that matter.

For whatever it is worth, is this whole adventure really feasible?  The thought of attending a clinic is comforting in its stability, but the thought of attempting to attend births is mind-boggling.  Will I make it to most of them?  Or will I just be wasting a lot of gas, time, but beefing up my postpartum and newborn skills?  I shouldn’t worry about this now.  But will the births or clinical visits in Minnesota or Iowa even count towards my required hours in Wisconsin?  This seems strange to me.  Just go with it I tell myself.  Just go with it.  First get preceptorship, and then worry about logistics. I need to find a good match though, someone who is compatible with me and who I am compatible with.  I don’t want to drive anyone crazy.  Yes, I am a good person, but after my experience with midwives in Louisiana, I am scarred.  I fear judgment and maybe in a way I fear that relationship which is involved with a preceptor and apprentice?  Some relationships of other preceptors and their apprentices seem more equal.  I don’t know if I will deal well with someone who puts me in my place often; is it oxymoronic to say I don’t need coddling, but I do like direction and directness?  I can’t read minds.  I will try my best not to ask questions in clinic and to be respectful of the client relationship. I do realize what a big commitment it is and how emotionally draining, time consuming, and burdening it can be to take on an aspiring midwife.  I get it. I do, but don’t make me feel that way is all I ask and I will try my best to not make you feel that way.  What will her expectations be?  Will she be overly religious or spiritual?  Will she declare that I am full of negativity like my counterparts in Louisiana have?  Not knowing this woman who has graciously accepted to meet with me has me jumpy and nervous.  I have little to compare her to except to my warped perception of Louisiana midwives whom, while legally licensed, are not free to practice.

I am taking this ‘day-off’ as a sign that I need to get my immunization paperwork caught up—last I heard my MMR titer was too low.  I called the Grant County health department and I can come in today to get my shot.   I mean, yes, I read about them in the program handbook and maybe this is where Louisiana and Wisconsin differ, which would be fantastic, but it seems uneasy to me since I have put so much stock into getting an apprenticeship.  Maybe I am putting too much stock into it?  My friend is sending me my CPR card that I left at her house after taking the class.  I should have gotten it before leaving for Wisconsin.  It should be here today, so I can go ahead and download the forms necessary for my temporary permit. YAY!  I guess I need a back-ground check too?  So many forms, so little time…

Labor Day Weekend- a midwife’s favorite holiday

jmacmidwife

            These worksheets!  UGH.  It is frustrating to have to search for the information!  I see the value in looking the information up, but when I have to dig and still don’t find what I am looking for—well, then I don’t see the point.  I ended up looking in an old, yard-sale nursing obstetric book and voile it had many of the answers.  So, dare I ask why I just bought $500 worth of newer midwifery books when the same information is found in this $2 book?  HMMMMM.  Don’t wonder about that.  Just keep working.  It is interesting however, to compare the illustrations and diagrams in each book.  Since I am such a visual learner, I have to check myself every once and a while and remind myself to READ the text not just interpret the diagrams, since they have been merely interpreted by an illustrator, whom I don’t know.  So that illustrator may have no idea what the ovarian or menstrual cycle is, let alone how to correctly draw it after reading the description.  It is surprising how different the interpretations can be though.

Every day, I realize how little I know. It is a very humbling experience, but some days it is a bit too humbling.  I have been at births where I thought surely the first thing I would eat when I got home would be some humble pie.   But I had to deal with being called a want-a-be-apprentice by the midwives in Louisiana, so I was not happy to be sitting in class and hear something to the effect of ‘there are students whom range from novice to expert and you all haven’t even reached novice yet.’  Really????  In my humble-student midwife opinion, when we, as midwives or potential midwives or nearly-novice midwives or whatever critical label, allow ourselves to be put in our place by others in our profession, it is not strengthening our front, but dividing us. 

Letters behind a name doesn’t make a midwife, or a piece of paper, or even an apprenticeship—what makes a midwife is the mother.  If the mother is calling you a midwife, then you are a midwife.  Period.  What I am doing NOW in my life is not seeking approval from another midwife to call me equal, but at the very least don’t say I am less of a person to my face because I am choosing to further my education and skills.  SHEESH.  Don’t discredit my attempts at personal growths, please.  It just devalues this program and my choices.

Friends in low places

jmacmidwife

Today, one of my good friends in Louisiana had her baby.  If I still lived in Louisiana, I probably would have attended her birth.  She had had the hard decision of choosing to birth unassisted, in part because she didn’t like the midwifery philosophies available to her or hospital choices. 

She called me about an hour after her birth, unsure why her placenta had not arrived yet.  With my ‘thimble-full’ and Varney, we brainstormed what to do next and she coaxed her placenta out within a few minutes.  She is an enormously strong, confident, amazing woman and I only think she called me was because at that moment the magnitude of having an unassisted birth had hit her, coupled with the fact that physiological third stage is rarely seen, let alone discussed.  Her previous placentas had had ‘gentle cord traction’ applied within minutes of her previous births, so that uncomfortable feeling of having it ‘still’ there was uncharted territory for her, even though she is well-versed in the science and feeling of birth. 

Although it was excruciating not to be physically there with her, I took solace in the fact that she called me in the middle of the night comfortable enough to share her intimate experience with me and more importantly, allowing me to comfort, help, and reassure her in that time.  It is an inexplicably awesome experience to witness a birth, but almost more so, spiritually, to be called from 1,000 miles away.  I am truly grateful for these gifts.

Expectations and goals

jmacmidwife

            I usually have high expectations and end up being disappointed.  So, I am trying hard to be more realistic than idealistic.  Being involved in the Louisiana midwifery community for several years has allowed me to slowly become more comfortable with harnessing my passion of birth and redirecting it to serve women as they see fit instead of some glorified unrealistic birth dream that I have.  Maintaining this train of thought is now the goal.   I expect this course to stretch my mind in ways it hasn’t been stretched by engaging what I know, with what I learn and encouraging me to apply all of it to a variety of scenarios.   I expect to learn

  • the reason behind many of the seemingly routine practices in midwifery, particularly—what are midwives looking for—or more importantly—what are they thinking (since I want to be the kind of midwife who isn’t spending a whole lot of time looking or doing, but rather just being).
  • all the medical jargon that my obstetric counterparts are learning so that I can understand their perspective and be able to converse quickly, competently and respectfully.  
  • how to chart smartly in a legal context 😉
  • how to take a client from start to finish i.e. not necessary what to do next, but how to approach issues, what to say, how to frame it.  By being a LLL leader, I have grown to learn what is appropriate to say and what is not, as this is one area of mine with plenty of growth potential 😉
  •  the anatomy of the reproductive organs and all that mundane stuff, which I do appreciate.  It is training me in the areas I need to know, which is what I am here for.  If I was to pursue the PEP process without this program, I know myself good enough (finally!) to know that I wouldn’t learn the information as well as if I just studied for NARM myself.  So, this class has the potential to be a great launching pad for my ‘formal’ studies in midwifery and I don’t know if I have said this enough—I am so grateful the program is here and I have the opportunity to be part of it!

My goals are expansive this semester.  They range from merely surviving to enhancing my repertoire of skills.  Since arriving I have caught myself several times crying, not because I am sad, but because I am so fortunate to have had this opportunity to pursue this path—my path– into midwifery.  Yes, at times it is a bit overwhelming, I cannot deny that, but only overwhelming in the sense of how far out of my comfort zone will I go to fulfill this dream?  And it isn’t knowing the answer to that question which is important, because there isn’t one.  It is in the excitement of being so surprised (in a good way) at myself and the feeling that this is where I am supposed to be—those are the overwhelming parts.  It is talking to my friends in Louisiana on the phone and remembering their births and being inspired to return to Louisiana or wherever I land and be in a position to offer more families and that community more choices.  Being here feels normal—like the next step in the journey.  So, as I meet new friends (usually mothers of my daughter’s friends) and they say to me ‘wow, you are so brave to come here for that!’ I have to remember that not everyone understands my journey, just like I wouldn’t necessarily understand theirs.   It is my story and by allowing it to unfold however– is the most comforting thing in the world right now.

Knowing myself, I need to stay focused on attaining my goals. My goal is to piece what information and experience I have thus far into something resembling a sponge-of-a-midwifery student.   I feel blessed in the fact that I have been given a new lease on my midwifery life, so I want to soak up all that is before me.  I have committed myself, my family, my friends, and everything in between to a life in Wisconsin and I have no desire to let any of us down.  In the past, I have been more of a procrastinator than I would like to be and time management has never been my strongpoint, but last semester gave me the opportunity to decide if I really want this—so I had to make some personal choices and change some old habits.  Now that I have decluttered a bit and opened myself up to the potentiality of this opportunity, I am to stay focused on learning as much as I can while I have all these valuable resources available to me, while maintaining my marriage from afar and mothering my children.  It will be challenging, but I am strong and ready—bring it.